I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
