I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
We left the knife in your bed.
You're a waste of cheezeits
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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