You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
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He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
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When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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