So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
