my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
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