so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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