im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
