I'd wear matching sweaters with you
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
