It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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