Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
there's paper in my vomit.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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