sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
not ubering you a puppy
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
