My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
