i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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