Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
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