my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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