and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
