I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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