Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
