I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
