I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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