The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Randomize
