I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
