I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
