Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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