My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
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I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
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You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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