ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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