Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Randomize
