My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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