It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Also, beer. Big fan.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
