He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
