My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize