How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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