Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize