Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
