The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
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I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
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You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize