broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
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