Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
