there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
