If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize