We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
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i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
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I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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