tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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