Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
