It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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