Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
