this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
