I think I just saw someone hide a body.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
