the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
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There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
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Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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