oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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