i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
