We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
