i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
