i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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