there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
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