this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
