I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
